taste test

People have said to me that love is about looking. I assume they're mainly talking about looking at the one you love. But I want to talk about looking at looking. Second-degree looking. Looking Squared, if you will. Here is how it goes: imagine, despite books and films that laud heroic declarations, that you, instead of loving, chose to be loved.

You are in front of the person who loves you. And you're looking. You're looking at someone who’s looking at you. Someone who's looking in that way you've always wanted to be looked at. And you feel that sweet, sweet guilt. Like you're not giving back enough. Like you're cheating somehow. But also like something insanely precious is taking place.

I read somewhere that love is what inspired the term "bittersweet". That the creators put "bitter" first because love is mostly bitter. That love is mostly painful. That love is mostly about wanting something that you don't have. Well, this other form of looking. This looking to the second degree. It's mostly sweet, though less pungent than its counterpart. Along with a faint aftertaste of a guilty conscience. But we needn't wait for that to hit the taste buds. We could skip it altogether, if you wish. We could swallow it whole, no savoring of the alkaline flavor required. Would you think this is better? Or do we simply not have a palette for it?

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