black holes

I saw a softball game today in the first wave of the sticky summer heat. It was wonderfully out of the normal scope of my life. To see these people doing something so different--and to see them doing it so well--leaves me a little in disbelief. It's weird what has the power to change entire perceptions: a little game, or two little hours.

Last night I went to a party where people of my peripheral circle came center stage. Similarly, to see them in their context, with their main characters, with their histories. I realize again how difficult it is to break into such bubbles...or at the very least, I see the bubble that needs breaking into. In that situation, the new context serves as a blockade, in the other, it is a new way of entry.

It's always unsettling when we realize the limits of our own visions. What else could we have missed? Are there more black holes undetected by our telescopes floating around out there, only to be guessed at by the presence of a dark ignorance, instead of a positive existence that we could have seen, had we only turned our lens earlier? The mind teems with unimagined possibilities.

Anyway, I would say it's something to think about. But I'm afraid the very act of thinking about it will be the exact time-thief that makes me miss these sights. What makes the bubble so limited (though clearer) is precisely the narcissism in thinking.

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SIDENOTE: I realize this is all too worn a subject. All I have to do is get out of my head. Stop thinking so much. And get rid of my narcissistic self-examination. But I can't. I can't. And I can't. It's like I am that patient in psychoanalysis who, in the moment of the breakthrough, clings even tighter to the mirage of being a helpless child, praises the analyst instead of attributing to herself the solution, so that she would not lose the comfortable relationship with Him in her newfound possibility of independence. God I hate myself sometimes. (But maybe there is something about the allure of self-examination that speaks truly of some Good it will give me. However, I cannot postpone admitting that there's a real chance this might be a blind faith rooted in a sick pleasure rather than a sure bet stemming from the truth)

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SIDESIDENOTE: In honor of making a real change I think I will stop posting on my tumblr so much, at least none of the mundane things that contribute no artistic value.