falls

Today there was a lovely flurry of yellow petals out the window, swirling in a lazy downfall. I thought of no one (and nothing) as I watched them polka dot the sky. It was just there, and I was simply in it.

A few seconds later it stopped suddenly (but not too suddenly), and she came back, right on cue.

It was over in that second, but for a moment I lived in eternity. And for once, in this forever, there was no crowding. Not from any of the yous, not even from me.

**

confessions

Saturday mornings are for purging of last night's actions, I've decided. This is my temple where I purge, talk about confessions (a theme that's been coming up this week), are they supposed to help? Now that it's out, have I purged it from myself, and therefore am guiltless? Does this justify my actions (both past and what I know I will do in the future)?

I can't help but wonder if this is just an excuse, a way out for me. At some point I cannot depend on the soothing voices of others that assure me that I have not strayed beyond the line, at some point, I will cross my line, and even my repentance here will not keep up.

**

daedalus

Even though I got out of the Middle Ages, doesn't mean you have. (Even if) I had become Copernican, you have not. I wonder if you can ever force evolve someone, like in those pokemon episodes we'd watch a decade ago, when ideas were simple and could fly, instead of tethered to the realities. Realities that run wild like the weeds in something already emptying. Here lies the possibility of us, and all I wanted was to know was

Won't you fly with me

(there is no question mark because tonight, it no longer is a question)

**

夏天一晚上

夏天初期的一晚上，我碰见了你。

那时候，夜里吹着一股凉爽的微风，悄悄的来，偷看我们之间表演的戏。你好像也感觉到了这个未被邀请的客人 ， 因为你什么也没有说，虽然你的眼光告诉了我很多。

那天晚上，我以为那风是空手的走的，但是后来我才明白，时间和它，什么都有权利带走， 包括记忆中的一晚上，包括记忆中的你。

夏天，也就是这样糊里糊涂的过去。

转眼就到了九月的第一场雨。那些蒙蒙的雨滴， 和树上的黄叶，一个一个的掉下来，落到一股熟悉的风中。那一刻，风带回来了你原先的眼光，但是没有带回来原先的你。

Some time in the spring, when the air was filled with possibility, I met you.
That night, there was a crisp breeze, quietly creeping up, watching the play that unfolded between us. You seemed to also realize that we have an interloper among us, because you didn’t say anything, though your glance betrayed quite a lot.
At that time, I thought the wind left empty-handed, but this summer I understood; time and wind, they can take away everything, including the memory of a night, including the memory of you.
Summer is more or less spent this way, hazily yet in a flash…all the way until the first rain of September. The lazy raindrops and yellowing leaves fell from the sky one by one, until they land in a familiar breeze. At that instant, the wind brought back your earlier glance, but didn’t bring back an earlier you.

**

free falling

you're so frustratingly indifferent, it drives me crazy, this is not helped along by the fact that there had been someone else, rather, it amplifies my pent up energy because it only serves to remind me that there too, nothing is certain.

don't do this anymore, it's distracting in the worst way.

**

I hate you I hate you I hate you.

I hate how I hate you and you can't feel even an ounce of this hate across these blocks, which might as well be chasms and chasms, each parting wider still in order to fit all your stifling indifference.

It's suffocating. Your indifference and my hate.

**

hanging threads

I still don't know why I do this. And most of all, to you, a person so believing, especially in things like this, who probably melts a little at all the scenes I scoffed at in Amélie, which, I admit, lives up to all its hype, probably helped along by leaning against you.

I wish I could figure things out, I wish I did it before ever going into tonight, and now, at 3:23am, it is no longer any form of salvageable, and again I hang on the threads of uncertainties. And I just wish

I just wish I stuck with the old ones instead.

**

candles

I just realized that for a long time now, I've made the same wish over and over again, and each time I never think much about whether or not it will come true, but rather how nice it is to have it already with me, in those precious moments.

Now that I've made another of those wishes, I realized that I've been very fortunate in them having realized. (knock on wood). It is such a piece of luck. These granted desires make the moments what they are, and make my world what it is, and me who I am.

It's just nice, to close your eyes and think of what you want, and when you open them, find it right next to you.

**

I want to be worthy of you, all of you. I want to get out of this egocentric rut. I want to get out of 16th century physics thinking. Those candles give me warmth disproportionate to their flames, and ignite something in me. And I want to carve their prints on my insides, and be worthy of each and every single flicker.

**